In Which I Find All the Reasons He Sucks. And Create a Blog
Somebody knocked on my door, disturbing the string of evil thoughts, plotting my revenge on Phillip and Amanda.
“Come in!” My train of ideas was already broken, so there was no reason for me not to see who was disturbing me. Even though I had a pretty good idea.
“Sapphire, you all good?” Sylvia peeked into my room. Only couple of minutes had passed since I had been in a huge fight over a coffee with her, but I was never a vengful type. That is until Amanda and Phillip decided to cross my way.
“Phillip is getting married.”
“Oohh…” She sat down next to me and pulled me in a tight hug.
“With Amanda.”
Sylvia jerked up, almost falling off the bed in the process.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! Amanda? Like your Amanda, Amanda?” The bewilderment in her eyes was transparent. She was in even bigger shock than I was when I found out.
“Yep, my Amanda. But now that she’s marrying Phillip, she won’t be mine anymore. But truth be told she stopped being mine the moment she stole him away from me.”
Even though I had a brilliant plan of how I will have my revenge and make them pay for crossing me and ruining my plans, it stung to know someone who I thought was close to me could betray me like that.
“Shut up! Phillip cheated on you with Amanda? I knew I didn’t like him for a reason!” Sylvia’s eyes grew bigger by the second. She was a trusting and open person. She didn’t believe in keeping secrets. To her it made no sense, saying ‘Truth always come to light.’
“Please Sylvie, you loved the guy. He always brought you red velvet cupcakes and put the toilet seat down.” I smiled at the memory of us watching House Md. reruns on TV while eating the cupcakes Phillip brought to Sylvia. That thought lead me to night we spend together after Sylvia went to bed. One particular memory that made me miss Phillip and blush at the same time.
For Gryfindor’s sake girl! Get yourself together. He’s getting married to your best friend since birth, you can’t fantasize about his amazing bed skills. But only if you admit to yourself that the thing he did was extraordinary.
Thanks to Sylvia, I didn’t got lost in my mind, because she made me snap right back into Phillip-less reality.
“I knew he was too good to be true. No decent guy puts toilet seat down!” She nudged me and I couldn’t help, but to smile. “So what are you going to do? Will you go to the wedding?”
“Oh, yeah, I’ll go. There will be an open bar.” I answered her and at the same time thought to myself, ‘The things I can do with the alcohol there. Oh, so many beautiful ways to ruin the wedding.’
“O. o. I know the look on your face.”
Once again, Sophie was reading me, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit she knows me this well.
“What look?”
“Don’t play dumb, you know which look. The I-will-have-my-sweet-revenge-and-ruin-this-wedding-while-sipping-your-expensive-chamapgne look.”
“No, it’s more of a I-will-have-my-sweet-revenge-and-ruin-this-wedding-and-your-excuse-of-a-relationship-while-drinking-bottles-of-your-expensive-champgne look.”
A victorious look came on her face, and I just mischievously smiled at her.
“I knew it! You do want vengeance!”
I nodded and got up from bed.
“Wait, did you say bottles?”
I nodded again and picked Jessie up and carried her back to bed. That is my laptop, not a person or an animal.
“I did. There’s no way I’m only drinking glasses of alcohol. I have this feeling in my gut telling me I’m gonna need bottles to get through.”
I sat down next to Sophie. For a moment we both got lost in our thoughts, when my clock started ringing, telling me I really got up too early. And that it’s time to get ready for classes.
“I’m not going to classes today. I’m gonna spend the day in bed with Jessie and plan my revenge.”
“Buut Saaph!” A winning noise came from Sophie. I braced myself for her puppy dog eyes look, she always gave me when she wanted to get something. ” You’re gonna miss Statistics 101. Who’s gonna make fun of mister Crocks with me? I bet he’s gonna wear his favorite shoes today.”
“CROCKS!” We yelled at the same time. Even if I didn’t want to go to Statistics, it was always fun to make fun of mister Crocks who’s wearing crocks.
” The class will be totally boring without you Saph!”
Any other day I would give into her plea, but today wasn’t just any other day. Today was the day I found out my ex is getting married. There’s no way in I’m going to do anything I don’t feel like doing today. And all I feel like doing is stay in home, eat comfort food, watch TV, all while
“I know. I know. I’m the heart of the party. The light in the darkness. The Romeo to your Juliet. Your right to your left…”
“I get it. I can’t properly function without you.” Her puppy dog eyes were really getting to me now.
“You know, you can always join me.” A happy yelp came from her. Like I knew it would. “If you can think of a way to make Phillip and Amanda’s life a misery.”
Her face feel for a couple of seconds, but I could feel her getting excited. I knew she just came up with a perfect way to exact my revenge on those two Slyderainer snails.
“Do you know what’s the one thing Phillip always hated?” Obviously it was a question I wasn’t meant to answer, because before I got a chance to answer she was already screaming it. “Writing a blog about what I do!”
She was right. He was furious the day he found her blog about the double date dinner we had, while we were still dating. I didn’t get why he was so mad, I thought it was funny the way she described the awful food we got and the awkward silence during the meal, because she had absolutely nothing in common with her date. But I didn’t quite understand what was Sophie’s point.
“And this will make him miserable how?”
“You ninny! You’re gonna write a blog about what a horrible person he is. Like in this movie I watched the other day: The Right Kind of Wrong.” I hadn’t seen this movie yet, but she was on the roll. “It’s about this guy whose wife left him. But before she did, she wrote this hilarious blog called WhyYouSuck.com. You should totally do the same.”
I only had to think about it for a second, before I jumped up and pulled Sophie in for a victory dance.
“I’m so gonna make his life a misery!”
We were dancing and chanting ‘Phillip suck!’ like two mad women for almost half an hour, when we feel on the floor from exhaustion. With great difficulty we dragged ourselves in front of TV and grabbed some pop corn on the way. We are going to celebrate this exceptionally wonderful idea, by watching the movie who inspired it.
***
By the end of the movie I knew writing a blog in WhyHeSucks.com style will be the best revenge possible. I just needed the name, and I could get started. I already knew what I’ll write about first: ‘All the Reasons He Sucks!’ and number one will be The SOB cheated on me with my best friend. And now they’re getting married!
“So, what do you think?”
“You’re a genius Sophie!” I picked up Jessie and started creating a fake e-mail account, that will support the blog. There’s no way I’m letting my name being associated with the blog. Might as well give up on breaking the wedding now. “Now all I need is a name.”
“Brainstorming!”
But it was easier said than done. My brains were completely empty, except for ‘WhyYouSuck.com’. And it looked like Sophie wasn’t doing any better.
Couple of minutes passed but we were still sitting in silence.
“What about ‘The Ex-Revenge’?”
“Noo, this sounds like some geeky game. What about ‘I Hate My Ex’?
“Or ‘My Ex Sucks’.”
“‘The Vengeance of the Ex’.”
“‘How to Ruin Your Exes Wedding’.”
I stopped. This last idea Sophie gave could actually work.
“I like it. ‘HowToRuinYourExesWedding.com'” I tasted the words in my mouth. “Yes I like it! This will be the name of my blog!”
I was a little worried some other unhappy woman already took my address, and I won’t be able to make a blog, but the angels of revenge were watching over me, and in the matter of seconds I had a rough draft of my blog already online.
How good it felt to start writing the first post ‘All the Reasons He Sucks!’.
****Copyright © Rainbowland Magic 2014.****
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